Friday, December 30, 2011

My biggest regret ever!

When i was 14 yrs old, i met this guy, but he liked all my friends and didnt seem interested in me, one day i decided to get to the bottom of it, as , i was as pretty, as tall , as slim as all the friends of mine that he liked, but he just didnt seem interested in me! So that faithful day i decided to go to his place , i prepared myself to woo him, i shaved my legs, put on the shortest skirt i owned and well oiled my skin, i was shining like a brand new coin. I arrive at his place, he is suprised to see me, but happy, we start chatting and laughing away, then he suggests we have sex, i immediately said no! He tried to coax me wrestled with me until he got me panties off, and said he was keeping them, i told him i really dont care whether he keeps them or not im leaving, on making my way out he grabs me and forces himself onto me and has sex with me....I didn't cry or anyting, after he finished he said he couldn't help himself......I simply left. In the days following the episode he starts coming around my home professing his love for me, my sister at this point has been charmed by him good manners and is shocked at the way i ignore him and deny him entry into our house, days upon days he serenades me at the gates to no avail.
The next month(September) , school re opens, the first day i go , im extremely tired, my head hurts when i get home, and i can't wait to get into bed . Days go by and my fatigue increases, i just brush it off thinking its because of the long break from school and my body having to re adjust. I n October my friends have a birthday party, i wear a new dress my sister bought me, at the party everyone is obsessing over my boobs, oh how big they've gotten (my friends pont out) i on the other hand am oblivious to this but welcome the extra attention. About a week or so after some friends come over to m house for a cook and we mix a mild alcoholic drink, after they leave i take  a drink from our delicious milky cocktail...mins after i feel sick, want to vomit, my mother's home so i cant let her hear me, i stick my head out the window and vomit my heart out.
By this point I am suspicious, something is definately up, my period has been M.I.A, my mom's asking questions, im throwing up at school, sleeping excessively, eating all the apples i can find at any hour day or night......The following month, my mother decides to get to the bottom of this no period thing and decides to examine my breasts...omg im lactating, she flips! gets a pregnancy test and asks me to poas, im in the bathroom wondering what the hell should i do! then denial  sets in , I am not pregnant there's no way. So, i decided to poas and hand it to my mom WTH it's a plus sign as dark as doomed!
My mom makes an appointment at the dr, when we go in he does an 13wks pregnant!
On the drive home mom asks me what i want to do, i tell her i dont want to keep the baby!(that was the worst decision i have ever made!) so a couple days after we return to the dr , only this time its for a termination, i recover over the weekend and return to school as normal on monday.
I feel free, so happy that my problem has been solved, little do i know that , that one mistake changed my life forever!
Right now im suffering from secondary infertility due to bilateral tubal occlusion, most likely secondary to infection from the termination!
My baby most likely would have been born the following may, and would be around 12 now, I probably would have had a few more by now, Instead im suffering , dreaming every night of holding my baby in my arms, jealous of pregnant women, in love with all children, having to come up with a large sum of money to get something that i couldve had FREE!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

A gift that keeps being given, but never wanted!

Well today is the big day for my older sister, she is having a c-section to deliver baby c , her third! while i was happy that she called me all day yesterday to update me on all things prep for c section i was still so jealous, i dont care where they pull my baby/ies from!
In other news AF who was set to arrive on christmas day hasnt , while i am happy that she didnt spoil my christmas, but thanks to Tubeledee and tubeledum (my blocked tubes )  -according to them women on maury, I am 150% sure-  I am not pregnant! So, Af threatens to ruin my birthday, and give me the only gift i don't want!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

queasy and uneasy

Well my holiday wasn't that bad, today i realized that ICLW ends today and i was so behind on my blogging, so i just spent the last hour or so blogging.
Yesterday i went to a friend of dh's house to a sorta xmas party, it was going great when the conversation went from holiday stuff to people who have kids and cant afford them, then one person pointed out that there are those who desperately want kids and cant have them.......i couldve sunk into the floor, a knot swelled up in my throat and as i glimpsed at dh he had a slight uneasy look , i just sucked it in and smiled not commenting on the topic.
also going on, all the kids seem to have a babedar on full blast staring into my eyes as they hugged their mommy or daddy, i realized that i love children and i cant wait to have my own!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The nerve

i was watching this program the other day on discover home and health, and if not for my fascination with all shows pregnancy or baby related i wouldve switched the channel, i mean the nerve of these women on the program comparing themselves to an infertile simply because they dont have the sex of baby they prefer, this woman was on her 5th son and was so devastated when the u/s results revealed it was a boy, my heart just sank for tht poor lil baby boy and her husband....I mean if it were me id be so happy just to see tht hes alive and healthy, if my cycle is successful, while i would want a boy - girl set of twins, ill be happy with anything i get girrl/boy/singleton or multiple!
To my future bab i just wanna say  ; mommy loves u so much already, and ur non existent imagine when u become a reality, ill shower you with love!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Welcome ICLW'ERS

Hi all and welcome to my blog im so happy to be part of this year's i com leave we, but next year ill have more to offer < as hopefully ill be preggers!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

just stopping in

Well nothing to report for now , just getting ready to enjoy my last barren holiday. lol. anyway, dh's kids are coming in january they're gonna stay with us for a month and then their mom is moving back in february so basically they'll always be around...i'm kinda happy as ill have them for a whole month all to myself.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

How do u like dem onions!

well i spoke to my ivf nurse abt if there is anyway  i can reduce on the cost of my cycle, she then proceeded to tell me about doing an egg share cycle.
An egg share cycle, which is basically donating half of the eggs retrieved to someone else for their cycle, this would cut the cost of my cycle by do u like dem onions.
only problem is, dh isnt jumping at the idea just yet, im hoping this will change.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Eggs gotta go for sale!

OK so i got my quotation from the clinic and my total cost is US $7565.00 , I knw some of u may find this extremely cheap, but for me i have to multiply this figure by 2.8 plus add the cost of travel and hotel stay so my total cost in my currency would be something like 25,000 wow. This ivf thing better work on the first try and both embies which i plan to have implanted better stick and come through 9 mnths later, and they better be a boy and girl pair, so i wont have to do this again.
So anyway, i think im gonna have to figure out some way to help with my treatment cost, maybe ill have to sell some eggs....anyone want eggs to buy?

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

checkin in

hey blog how have u been? it's been a while i knw let me apologise for that, it's just that nothing much is going on with me these past few days, my ivf nurse promised to send me a quotation yesterday but i am yet to receive it , so , i think i might send her a reminder email, cause i really wanna know how much its gonna cost so i can start organizing to source the funds, i may have to take a loan from a financial institution, but hey, if it's gonna get me what i desperately want then, it shall be done!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

finally, test results

So i finally got my test results yesterday , and emailed them to my ivf nurse and she said they're normal, so im just waiting for my quotation on monday....yayyy!
here they are:            
                                   LH  0.839 mIU/mL
                                   FSH 3.19
                                   Estradiol  74.6 pg/ml
                                   Prolactin   8.52 ng/mL
                                   TSH         0.878 uIU/mL

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The waiting game!

Omg, how long does it take to test some blood for hormone levels? i had my blood drawn last friday and up till yesterday my results are not ready. My ivf nurse hasnt contacted me since btw, oh well!