moods

not really inn the mood to blog much lately, so much goin on with dh and i, one minute we're up next we're down, this morning i asked him if we're renewing our voes before the baby comes and he said no straight out, and said i just spoiled his mood, well i automatically changed my mood and he got the point and left.
  I so cant wait for the baby to get here so i can focus all my attention on him and not bother with dh.

DH!

So dh and i had a long discussion last night, and i kinda got him to agree to a few counselling sessions, he says he wants us to work things out but he's just not ready, well i had made up my mind that it was over, i even met someone, but what was bugging me was the whole starting over thing, and the whole having a different guy around my son.Also, i was kinda worried about how things would go with us not being together and raising a child, and i dont think im up for all the difficulties....so hopefully we can work things out, we also discussed renewing our vows before the baby arrives.
What do u guys think?

Welcome ICLW'ers

If you're new to this blog welcome, feel free to comment as u like, and pls follow my blog.
Im not good on the whole 'about me ' bit but a quick run down, been ttc for a very long time off and on for about 10 yrs , couldn't do anything major as iui and so because of where im located,  did clomid unsuccessfully a number of times, went through dozens of poas moments all of which turned out BFN. Then one day i mustered up the courage to go and do a formal diagnostic test in order to get some answers, so i went and did an hsg, which to my horror, revealed bilateral tubal occlusion, was so distraught went to my ob/gyn hoping he would tell me the results were wrong, instead he said my only chance of getting pregnant was ivf.
So i decided to go with his idea, i contacted an ivf clinic in barbados and set my cycle for april 2012, started doing the tests required and then had to wait a few months to start meds, however in jan of said 2012 iaf was late as usual, so i just did a random poas just tp out my mind to rest so af would show up and what do u know BFP!

Lost support!

I never thought i'd be writing this sorta blog post. it seems to me that since ive gotten pregnant naturally, ive lost the support of u guys who are still trying and going through procedures, maybe it's because u think i was  lying all this time, but why would i be? I have not been preventing pregnancy since i was around 17yrs old, when i met dh  10 or so years ago we started actively trying, for the past 3 years i been undergoing treatments, (numerous clomid cycles), last march i did an hsg which confirmed my fears that i wouldnt be able to have children, because it showed my tubes were blocked,i then decided to move onto ivf right away , as was recommended by my ob/gyn, and was scheduled for my first ivf cycle in april(actually i probably wouldve been right in the middle of it now) but by some miracle(which i needed as i didnt knw how i was going to pay for the ivf) i found myself pregnant, in jan of this year.
After saying all this, it just hurts me deeply to see that the community i thought i belonged to has abandoned me, there are time when i come on here(like now) feeling so low, needing a little comment to cheer me up, and nothing!
Anyway i hope u guys are doing ok, every once in a while i stop in and comment on ur blogs but dont check for responses cause that may be disappointing to also find none!

News!

so i went in for an u/s at 17w 5 d and it was absoloutel awesome, i actually for the first time saw the baby, my baby in there. Going in to the u/s i was so nervous what if something had gone wrong and the baby was dead, or worst yet there was no baby! Anyway i mustered up the courage and went in ...as the tech put the gel and the probe on my belly, my heart sank as she rolled it around and didnt say anything, then , she turned the screen my way and there it was, heart beating, jumping around arms and legs moving away, it was the most incredible experience i had to date.....and now for the good news
IT'S A BOY!

fb announcment

So , i officially announced my pregnancy on facebook, at 17 weeks i think its abou safe! Anyway dh and i are separated, long story, not sure where this is gonna head but im not gonna make it keep me down .
MY blog hasnt been getting much attention these days, but dont worry ill be joining the april iclw , couldnt do the last few ones as i had my big exam earlier in the month.

Word of advice

so here i am at 14 weeks and feeling perfectly normal, i must be some kinda super pregnant woman! on top of that ive lost 2lbs.
I think now its finally sunk in and im actually excited, cant wait to start showing and then hopefully have my healthy baby. After waiting for so long its finally happened.
You knw people always tell you when you're trying to get pregnant you should just relax and not think about it cause the stress is just gonna keep it from happening........it's TRUE! For months when i was trying i was so focused on whether this cycle of clomid would be successful, if im ovulating, if my cervical mucous is hostile towards DH's sperm, if it was gonna be our month.Then after that scrutinizing every weird feeling i had as some sorta early pregnancy symptom, hour spent examining my breasts and cervix for early pregnancy changes, then month after month after month i would get so upset when i saw the temperature dip which indicated the arrival of af, then her subsequent arrival.
But what ive learnt from all this , is, you just need to relax and take trying off your mind, as hard as it is......cause it was only when the ob/gyn confirmed my bilateral tubal occlusion , and advised that ivf was the only option for me,, did i truly let go and just BD for bding sake and not expecting any signs and symptoms of early pregnancy...so much so that i didnt recognize or pay attention to any of the early signs and symptoms that led up to m BFP!

Jesus passed my way

So i went to church last night with my mother, and was so touched at the priest's sermon.He read from Mark chp 5 , about the woman with the hemorrhage, and how she had been suffering for 12 years, that her whole being and reality was that she was ill, not normal like the rest, set apart, she was suffering emotionally and maybe even tried to put on a front so as to go through life each day....Then he turned to the crowd and asked how many of us were like the woman with the hemorrhage, and it hit me in that moment, that it was me! I was that woman, very much like the woman with the hemorrhage i had been suffering for years with an illness(infertility) that set me apart from the rest, I indeed put on a front- pretending i didn't want children-when in truth and in fact i yearned to be normal to be able to get pregnant.
That day, when Jesus was passing by the woman with the hemorrhage being so desperate to be healed found herself in nthe crowd and knew that if she only touched Jesus's hem she would be healed, when Jesus asked who had touched him the woman came forward and he said to her by your faith you have been healed.
   I remember one time i came upon a board of infertile women who were using their faith and prayers to get pregnant, i scoffed at them , thinking , divine intervention and faith isnt going to miraculously reverse infertility.
Anyway, I became more like the woman, in that, i got to a point where i was desperate, i felt there was no way out, and i turned to Jesus, in prayer i begged him to heal me, to relieve me of this problem, for years i cried myself to sleep while begging for some divine intervention.
After years and years of an unanswered prayer, i decided to turn again to the medical field for some sorta help. Had and HSG done which concluded that i had bilateral tubal occlusion, i felt so distraught, like i was being punished for some wrond that i had done.
However, as i found out about ivf and planned when i was going to have the procedure i never gave up praying and asking God to help me.
Then low and behold on Jan 4th 2012 after madam af hadnt shown up for the christmas holiday, i got my positive pregnancy test.
  I believe that like the woman with the hemorrhage, my faith has healed me, and I thank God for that.
So to my infertile counterparts out there, i say, have faith for one day Jesus will be passing your way and you might just touch his hem and be healed!

Sinking in

so here i am still no sign of af, according to my last u/s dating im now 10w6d, im only been physically sick twice in that whole period so im kinda happy for that. I think it's finally sinking in and its safe to actually say that im pregnant! I told some of my colleagues at work, im still waiting to tell my mother in law, i kinda wanted to tell her face to face and havent seen her in a while, but i need to tell her soon cause ive gained almost 10lbs and people are gonna start asking questions soon.

oh IVF nurse

So, how do i break the news to my ivf nurse, i mean, i cant just disappear into pregnant land and not say anything, but im wondering if she will think my whole situation was just a hoax....What if i lose this baby and cant get pregnant spontaneously again and need to go to the clinic for ivf, will she take me seriously then?Any suggestions on how i should go abt breaking the news to my ivf nurse?

Infertile pregnant in a fertile wonderland!

So i joined this pregnancy board for mom who are expecting in sep 2012, cause i guess if i am pregnant ill be due some time around then, but what ive noticed , is, I dont feel welcome, its a whole different community and everyones so happy abt their pregnancy, announcing it on fb and having im pregnant parties, while i lurk in the shadows afraid to tell anyone(except u guys tht is).
I guess being infertile for so long , i just dont belong with the regularly fertile ppl, so im here hoping and praying, fingers crossed for u guys here in infertile land pleassssse hurry up and join me in this - experience tht i wanted so long and now am unable to enjoy- and lets create our infertile and pregnant community!

Update well over due!

First of all let me apologize for my long stream of abscence, this is due to my pc crashing and me not decided on getting a new one just yet.
well, as i said in my last post af went awol, i went for an u/s and nothing was seen.
Well, af still hasnt shown, i have taken 3 PG tests so far,all positive, so i decided to go in for another ultrasound because i saw some spotting last friday so saturday i went to dr and he did another u/s and then says to me yes im pregnant......this coming from the same dr who told me not too long ago tht both my tubes were blocked. He went on to further say that sometimes when someone does an hsg, the pressure exerted on the tubes from the insertion of the dye can cause them to unblock. urm yes doc i understand all that but ...i did tht hsg march 2010 !
so anyway here i am, according to my lmp i should be 9wks but us dated me as 6wks, im not even bothered, not as excited as i thought id be.
I actually feel kinda bad especially as the clinic is sending me emails asking about if im still interested in the donor cycle, what am i gona say to my ivf nurse, i feel so bad, my cycle is scheduled for april and now this!

Baby maybe,........... but where?

ok so i decided not to do the beta, im just gonna let nature take its course, according to my lmp if i am im 7wks 1day, not much symptoms, ive had more when i had BFN's . My boobs are super sore, the water in the shower hurts them, im eating everything but the kitchen sink, and im extra moody, DH says i have an extra short fuse im definately pregnant, my feet started swelling yesterday , but they used to a long time ago in the days leading up to af. Right now i am not convinced that i am pregnant, and if i am it most likely is ectopic, i am however trying  not to worry to much about that, but sometimes my neurotic side comes out in all her splendour, so i have obviously googled swelling feet in early pregnancy...lol sometimes u just can't help urself.

If i were normal I'd be.............

Pregnant, happy, so excited now after coming from my 6wk ultrasound today.
ok, so af was due on christmas day, she was a no show, feared she would ruin my birthday on the 1st, still no show, anyway , on the 4th i decided to do a test, as i sat on the toilet and passed the urine in a container, stopping to pull up some in the dropper and drop a couple drops onto the test strip....the familiar control line came up quickly,felt a lil sad but quckly shook tht feeling and proceeded to empty my bladder , wipe and pull up my panties, i glanced at the test again before putting it into a bag to discard....to my amazement a second line had appeared, never before had i seen such, however, i didnt feel as happy as i thought i would.
Didnt rush to tell dh cause i just didnt believe it.
Anyways, i decided to go for an u/s today as i would be 6wks due to lmp nov 23rd. However nothing was to be found on the scan, my endometrium measures 13cm thick (i think is cm she measured it) according to her as though i was expecting a period.
so i'm back to where i was before only on a vacation from af, the tech suggested i repeat the test or do blood beta but im not gonna bother, i already knw it isn't possible, thanks to tubledee and tubledum