My biggest regret ever!

When i was 14 yrs old, i met this guy, but he liked all my friends and didnt seem interested in me, one day i decided to get to the bottom of it, as , i was as pretty, as tall , as slim as all the friends of mine that he liked, but he just didnt seem interested in me! So that faithful day i decided to go to his place , i prepared myself to woo him, i shaved my legs, put on the shortest skirt i owned and well oiled my skin, i was shining like a brand new coin. I arrive at his place, he is suprised to see me, but happy, we start chatting and laughing away, then he suggests we have sex, i immediately said no! He tried to coax me wrestled with me until he got me panties off, and said he was keeping them, i told him i really dont care whether he keeps them or not im leaving, on making my way out he grabs me and forces himself onto me and has sex with me....I didn't cry or anyting, after he finished he said he couldn't help himself......I simply left. In the days following the episode he starts coming around my home professing his love for me, my sister at this point has been charmed by him good manners and is shocked at the way i ignore him and deny him entry into our house, days upon days he serenades me at the gates to no avail.
The next month(September) , school re opens, the first day i go , im extremely tired, my head hurts when i get home, and i can't wait to get into bed . Days go by and my fatigue increases, i just brush it off thinking its because of the long break from school and my body having to re adjust. I n October my friends have a birthday party, i wear a new dress my sister bought me, at the party everyone is obsessing over my boobs, oh how big they've gotten (my friends pont out) i on the other hand am oblivious to this but welcome the extra attention. About a week or so after some friends come over to m house for a cook and we mix a mild alcoholic drink, after they leave i take  a drink from our delicious milky cocktail...mins after i feel sick, want to vomit, my mother's home so i cant let her hear me, i stick my head out the window and vomit my heart out.
By this point I am suspicious, something is definately up, my period has been M.I.A, my mom's asking questions, im throwing up at school, sleeping excessively, eating all the apples i can find at any hour day or night......The following month, my mother decides to get to the bottom of this no period thing and decides to examine my breasts...omg im lactating, she flips! gets a pregnancy test and asks me to poas, im in the bathroom wondering what the hell should i do! then denial  sets in , I am not pregnant there's no way. So, i decided to poas and hand it to my mom WTH it's a plus sign as dark as blood....im doomed!
My mom makes an appointment at the dr, when we go in he does an ultrasound...im 13wks pregnant!
On the drive home mom asks me what i want to do, i tell her i dont want to keep the baby!(that was the worst decision i have ever made!) so a couple days after we return to the dr , only this time its for a termination, i recover over the weekend and return to school as normal on monday.
I feel free, so happy that my problem has been solved, little do i know that , that one mistake changed my life forever!
Right now im suffering from secondary infertility due to bilateral tubal occlusion, most likely secondary to infection from the termination!
My baby most likely would have been born the following may, and would be around 12 now, I probably would have had a few more by now, Instead im suffering , dreaming every night of holding my baby in my arms, jealous of pregnant women, in love with all children, having to come up with a large sum of money to get something that i couldve had FREE!

A gift that keeps being given, but never wanted!

Well today is the big day for my older sister, she is having a c-section to deliver baby c , her third! while i was happy that she called me all day yesterday to update me on all things prep for c section i was still so jealous, i dont care where they pull my baby/ies from!
In other news AF who was set to arrive on christmas day hasnt , while i am happy that she didnt spoil my christmas, but thanks to Tubeledee and tubeledum (my blocked tubes )  -according to them women on maury, I am 150% sure-  I am not pregnant! So, Af threatens to ruin my birthday, and give me the only gift i don't want!

queasy and uneasy

Well my holiday wasn't that bad, today i realized that ICLW ends today and i was so behind on my blogging, so i just spent the last hour or so blogging.
Yesterday i went to a friend of dh's house to a sorta xmas party, it was going great when the conversation went from holiday stuff to people who have kids and cant afford them, then one person pointed out that there are those who desperately want kids and cant have them.......i couldve sunk into the floor, a knot swelled up in my throat and as i glimpsed at dh he had a slight uneasy look , i just sucked it in and smiled not commenting on the topic.
also going on, all the kids seem to have a babedar on full blast staring into my eyes as they hugged their mommy or daddy, i realized that i love children and i cant wait to have my own!

The nerve

i was watching this program the other day on discover home and health, and if not for my fascination with all shows pregnancy or baby related i wouldve switched the channel, i mean the nerve of these women on the program comparing themselves to an infertile simply because they dont have the sex of baby they prefer, this woman was on her 5th son and was so devastated when the u/s results revealed it was a boy, my heart just sank for tht poor lil baby boy and her husband....I mean if it were me id be so happy just to see tht hes alive and healthy, if my cycle is successful, while i would want a boy - girl set of twins, ill be happy with anything i get girrl/boy/singleton or multiple!
To my future bab i just wanna say  ; mommy loves u so much already, and ur non existent imagine when u become a reality, ill shower you with love!

Welcome ICLW'ERS

Hi all and welcome to my blog im so happy to be part of this year's i com leave we, but next year ill have more to offer < as hopefully ill be preggers!

just stopping in

Well nothing to report for now , just getting ready to enjoy my last barren holiday. lol. anyway, dh's kids are coming in january they're gonna stay with us for a month and then their mom is moving back in february so basically they'll always be around...i'm kinda happy as ill have them for a whole month all to myself.

How do u like dem onions!

well i spoke to my ivf nurse abt if there is anyway  i can reduce on the cost of my cycle, she then proceeded to tell me about doing an egg share cycle.
An egg share cycle, which is basically donating half of the eggs retrieved to someone else for their cycle, this would cut the cost of my cycle by half...how do u like dem onions.
only problem is, dh isnt jumping at the idea just yet, im hoping this will change.

Eggs gotta go for sale!

OK so i got my quotation from the clinic and my total cost is US $7565.00 , I knw some of u may find this extremely cheap, but for me i have to multiply this figure by 2.8 plus add the cost of travel and hotel stay so my total cost in my currency would be something like 25,000 wow. This ivf thing better work on the first try and both embies which i plan to have implanted better stick and come through 9 mnths later, and they better be a boy and girl pair, so i wont have to do this again.
So anyway, i think im gonna have to figure out some way to help with my treatment cost, maybe ill have to sell some eggs....anyone want eggs to buy?

checkin in

hey blog how have u been? it's been a while i knw let me apologise for that, it's just that nothing much is going on with me these past few days, my ivf nurse promised to send me a quotation yesterday but i am yet to receive it , so , i think i might send her a reminder email, cause i really wanna know how much its gonna cost so i can start organizing to source the funds, i may have to take a loan from a financial institution, but hey, if it's gonna get me what i desperately want then, it shall be done!

finally, test results

So i finally got my test results yesterday , and emailed them to my ivf nurse and she said they're normal, so im just waiting for my quotation on monday....yayyy!
here they are:            
                                   LH  0.839 mIU/mL
                                   FSH 3.19
                                   Estradiol  74.6 pg/ml
                                   Prolactin   8.52 ng/mL
                                   TSH         0.878 uIU/mL

The waiting game!

Omg, how long does it take to test some blood for hormone levels? i had my blood drawn last friday and up till yesterday my results are not ready. My ivf nurse hasnt contacted me since btw, oh well!

The Game Plan!

       Hmmmmm, i mean i did want Af to get here but did she come with a vengeance, almost like she can sense she wont be seeing me for a while once my ivf is successful, talk about excruciating pain, and sorry tmi, massive clots, tht seem to signal to me when they want to get out so i can go sit on the toilet! Luckily only one more day to go and ill b free for a whole month!!!
      Anyway, watched the game plan this evening , and ive seen it before but not in this new infertility light. Just so touching how a father and daughter who meet for the first time form this loving bond, cant help but think about when me and Dh meet our bundle or bundles of joy for the first time......ahhhhh.
This movie almost brought tears to my eyes, but Dh was watching it too so i fighted them back.
       Just remembered btw, im one day closer to ivf!

Something else!

Well last nite DH and i had a huge falling out, which resulted in him spending the night at our apartment, all i was worried about, was, if i leave him, how am i gonna get his sperm for my ivf cycle......hmmmmm..this infertility thing is something else!
On another note af finally arrived last nite, and i rolled out the red carpet and welcomed her with open pads,lol, so im gonna be having my blood tests done tomorrow to check my hormone levels...yayyy

dreams

All i can think abt is having the ivf done, i dreamt abt my babies last nite!
but, af is holding up the process, need to get the tests done so that my total cost for treatment can be calculated.

Aunt flo im waitinggggggggg!

So my ivf nurse contacted me and sent me a list of all the tests i need to complete, im so excited im just waiting for aunt flo to show up, good thing is her head games dont work on me anymore!
my 6 month journey to ivf begins wen af shows up.....for once ill b happy to see her :)

My long journey to IVF begins!

Well yesterday i finally went for a second opinion from one of the best ob gyn's in the caribbean, he recommended that i do ivf. so, i icontacted the ivf clinic of barbados confirming that i indeed needed to do ivf so , lets get the ball rolling basically! I feel very happy now that i know what the problem is and treatment is right around the corner , im very optimistic as i believe its only the blockage in my tubes, im sure everything else is fine.......Lors and Liesle im coming to get u guys! yayyyyy!

af or not af, tht is the question?

ok so my period is supposed to arrive on saturday according to femilia, so yesterday i felt a dull crampy feeling in my pelvic area so while in the shower i inserted my finger(tmi sorry) in my vagina and it came out pink so i thought af was here for sure, so i put on a pad and went about my day, later on that night(pad still clean) dh decided he wanted to bd so i told him im on m period, he said he wanted it anyway so i checked my pad and because it was still clean decided to bd. Anyway when we finished i asked dh if there was any blood on his member and he said no...strange. so today im still having the dull crampy feeling but no sign of blood i was spotting yesterday after using the loo tht has stopped, so im keeping my fingers crossed tht this is implantation bleeding and cramping!

here we go again, and again , and again......

well the 2ww is almost here and i can feel the mentally inflicted pregnancy symptoms coming on! but for some reason in the back of my mind somewhere , ive kinda accepted the fact tht im not gonna be able to get pregnant without some sort of medical intervention.

Stroke of luck and irony.

so its official, i didnt get to do the hsg, so im gonna have to wait till next cycle. In the meantime , my step kids are visiting us for the summer, omg they're so adorable, but at the same time not mine, i feel so jealous when i see dh with them, not that i dont want him doing that but im just jealous of the fact that i dont have one of my own for him to shower with love.... well im keeping my fingers crossed tht by some stroke of luck and irony tht i get pregnant this month, that way i can feel happy about not doing the hsg.

Missed opportunity

Well Wednesday has come and almost gone, and i didn t get to do the hsg, tried callling the doc this morning to cancel but didnt get through with him.....I hope he will do it for me at a later date when i can come up with the money although im sure hes gonna say its supposed to be done at a specific time in the month to ensure im not pregnant, I think by now i can vouch for myself, I am sure i am not and wont be pregnant anytime this month, so ill be requesting to have my hsg done at the end of the month. I n the meantime dh's children from his previous marriage are with us on vacation( they're so adorable) but i cant help but feel a tinge of jealousy when they're playing with him. I wish it were my kids. sigh.

not looking good

well its tuesday and it doesnt look good, i still havent come up with the money for the hsg, dh travelled and is coming back today i hope he can work somethin out, cause if i call the doctor to reschedule he might think im not serious.

scratch that

i will get that money for my H.S.G some way or some how......Better start raiding my closet for those sellables

dampened plans

Well today it dawned on me that the plan i had to come up with the funds to do the hsg might not come through in time for wednesday.SO right now im a bit saddened by the fact that i may not be able to do it.I hope something works out.keeping my fingers crossed.

Thank you B.

Well ive always heard or read ppl on these sites complimenting their spouses on the support they have offered and ive always got a tinge of jealousy as ive never experienced that. Not because my spouse isnt supportive, but ive never really opend up to him about my feelings on the situation, therefore ive always felt so alone without anyone to talk to , felt so shut out from the one person that i needed to console me during my many dissappointing period arrivals. Then this month when aunt flo caught me, i was so certain that i was pregnant that i couldnt help but break down in tears, and he was there, supporting me and reassuring me that we are in this together and we'll do all what it takes , together , to achieve our goal of one day holding our child in our arms.I felt so loved at that moment , so special; he has given me a new confidence to go on and to strive to reach my point of satisfaction. So even as the days go by and i change pads and tampons , i am optimistic that every thing is gonna work out fine, and ill eventually have my lors (boy) or leisle(girl).

Road to discovery

Hello, and welcome to my blog. As i said in about me i am a nurse and im battling with infertility, I have not been diagnosed with any specific cause as yet but im on the road to discovery.I did an hsg in march 2011 which was kinda inconclusive, because, i believe the performer wasnt competent in performing the skill. Anyway, i have since found me a renowned(in my parts of the world) ob/gyn and i am confident that he is gonna help me alot along this journey. So, firstly, we have scheduled another hsg, which he will be performing on the 20th of this month, so all for now im excited about that.